I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
