I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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