when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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