I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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