my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize