dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
