Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
