Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Randomize
