***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
