I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
