Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
