can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
