Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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