I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
