can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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