Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
