I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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