I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize