i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
