She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
