woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
