I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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