why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
