Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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