Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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