I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
