We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
All I want is dick and wine.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
