I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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