she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
