Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
