if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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