So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I am one with the molecules
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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