anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
