so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
