I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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