I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we made out on top of his cat.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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