Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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