just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
