I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
