There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
