i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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