Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
