My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
