I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
There's even glitter on my cock...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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