I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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