I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
