He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
