guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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