I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
