So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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