; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's never too late to be topless.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
