new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
