I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
