At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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