haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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