Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
